I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
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watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
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I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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