He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
