That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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