My friends, they love my intelligence
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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