my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
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