Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
