That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
