Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
