its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
