i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
