You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
