It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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