This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
