Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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