I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
