You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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