I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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