dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
