you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
