just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
