I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.