I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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