I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
