I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
