i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
