Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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