i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
