People in love make me want to vomit
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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