Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
