this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
