According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
