I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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