Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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