i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
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I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
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I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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