Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
How external is "for external use only"?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
