that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
