it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We're using joints as your birthday candles
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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