Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize
