were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
