It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
