No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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