he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
