M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
