Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
