i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
