i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
