I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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