2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i've created a new STD.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm getting married
To pizza
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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