Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
