Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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