if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
