there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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