why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
