We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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