Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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