I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
wanna go halves on a baby?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Is it penis luge time yet?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So much Jack, so little girl.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
