doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
