You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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