I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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